Everybody Wants to Rule The World… Well, Maybe Just the Vampires

Recap of True Blood season 5 episode 9, so if you don’t want to see spoilers, avert your eyes!

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The Authority sure works fast because getting a True Blood factory bombed overnight isn’t an easy task, except (of course) for vampires. I still haven’t given up hope on Bill. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that he is luring the Authority into one hell of a sense of security–or that Ashton Kutcher comes out of a closet with his camera crew and Bill reveals that they’ve all been punk’d.

Rizzoli and Isles have nothing on Sam and Luna, who are the best shifter detectives ever and they totally deserve a spin-off. The same thing also goes for LaFayette as a spirit detective who constantly gets vague clues, becomes aggravated and gets high until someone offers him enough money to care about the case. It’s a work in progress.

Speaking of law enforcement, I feel bad for Kenya Jones for having to put up with the complete incompetence of her coworkers at the Renard Parish Police Department. She’s the only one with any sense there.

Arlene gets held hostage by Patrick and gets the upper hand on Terry, until she stabs him in the neck turns the tables on him. Two bullet later, Patrick’s body is nom’d up by the Ifrit, but we’ll only know by next week to see if his name has been taken off the opening credits. I’m not going to miss Patrick though, he was an ignorant ass and a coward, but I guess he served his purpose as a foil to Terry. But I must say that Terry and Arlene were damn lucky because they didn’t have  a corpse to dispose of.

Pam is the epitome of Vampire Barbie, especially when considering what she was wearing. If Mattel already makes Twilight Barbies, then why not True Blood Barbies? Even I would want a Sookie doll, which would probably reveal fang bites when it contacts icy or warm water. Or better yet, give her light up hands for her fairy powers!

But there can’t ever be a happy ending to this show. I was horrified to see Russell gift Emma to Steve, even though he looked so cute holding her. Now the story has been linked back to Bon Temps, at least for a while. Meanwhile, Alcide just kinda fucked off for this episode to go have a beer with his pops.

Body count: 2

Sheriff Dearborne gets shot down as he goes at a naked Sam with a shovel.

Patrick gets popped in the head and eaten up by a fire demon.

But the question is: which death was more bizarre?

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