Fifty Shades of Gross

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James is compelling drivel that lures you in to the world of BDSM. Google that acronym if you’re not familiar with it. Anastasia is a naive and smart mouthed (to use the phrase of the book) college senior who haphazardly enters sexual situations that she is not emotionally, or physically, ready to handle.

The story is a blatant ripoff of Twilight … without the vampires. In fact, James originally wrote this book as fan fiction for the characters of Twilight and then converted it to a book and movie deal that has become rather lucrative. Edward is substituted by Christian Grey, a richer and older guy (in his late twenties) who was adopted and has a hidden past. Gasp!

Ana is Bella, a girl who doesn’t give much away and is sucked into a culture beyond her understanding. Her mother is far away in Georgia, on her fourth marriage to comforting character called Bob. There is a sort of love triangle between Christian, Ana, and her friend Jose but it’s too weak in the first book to say that it is the substitute for Edward, Bella, and Jake of Twilight.

The story is written exceptionally poorly. The author is British and in her forties while the world she is trying to break into is American and much younger. Her turn of phrase is not completely fitting and confuses the reader. She uses words like hiding, to describe a spanking, which is more likely to come up in a Harry Potter book than it is from the mouth of an American business owner in Washington state. For the record, Perspex is not a word commonly used in the American vernacular either.

“He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor Popsicle.”
~ Anastasia.

James knows how to intrigue readers with plot, since she stole it from Stephenie Meyer, but fails substantially when it comes to the actual prose. “Down there” is a common turn of phrase in Fifty Shades of Grey that describes Ana’s genitalia. You don’t really get more than that. Oh, she did write about “thighs” a few times. My bad.

This whirlwind romance is page-turning in the way that Celebrity Apprentice or <insert Bravo show title> is palatable.You can’t stop reading this train wreck because you want to see if Ana ever completely submits to Grey, since we get told again and again that it is not in her nature to do so. I couldn’t get past the first book so I guess I’ll never know what happens. And, that’s a shame relief. This is the book that, supposedly, moms only read on their Kindles because they’re ashamed to be seen reading it in public. Can you guess why this is on the NYTimes Bestseller List?

Ellen Degeneres had some fun with the audiobook version of the erotic novel in this video. You can also see more of the worst lines from the book on Buzzfeed. BRB, my “inner goddess” is throwing up at the thought of the movie.



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